


Hellfire

by Stargazer_In_Red



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 13:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16577534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stargazer_In_Red/pseuds/Stargazer_In_Red
Summary: Ash knows Helene came to kill him. And before he dies, he wants to tell her a story of his life.





	1. Prologue

Everyone has some words that define them. Something they’ve heard when they were kids, something they were naïve enough to believe in. So do I, and so do you.  
Doom, my former mentor, used to tell me ‘what you get is what you need’. It was a long time ago, before two of his children died. It was when I was young and silly and took everything for granted.  
Later I’ve learnt it was a piece from a song. I heard it sung by the bravest and the scariest man I’ve ever seen and there was another part that thrilled me.  
‘What you need is what you get’.  
It brought another dimension to my thoughts, though I didn’t understand then what exactly it changes. The thing is, my murderous friend, that you either take everything calmly and peacefully or do everything you can to get what you long for. I thought I knew what’s better. I was wrong.  
And now here I sit, unwelcome, unloved, and I’m about to be killed. This is when I begin to doubt whether it was what I needed.  
I question the shadows of the past, but they don’t answer me, for I’m no healer to read the signs upon the water or listen to what the wind has to say. Maybe I will be luckier with you. I want to know what you think of my life and my feelings, Helene, do me a favor before you kill me.   
Come, sit by me and put the knife aside. Nobody will be looking for us, we don’t exist.  
You don’t think we have something in common, do you?  
But you don’t even know me.  
Hello, Helene, I’m Ash. This is the story of my fall.


	2. Distant echoes

I was born the same year C got crippled. She was nice, what a pity you didn’t know her. What a pity I didn’t know her when she was fine. Anyway, I was born in winter. A very severe winter, as I was told, with frost, snowstorms, diseases, and starvation. One of those things or maybe them all took my brother away. But Lord Ignis who wasn’t a Lord back then yet came up with a new one. So it was three of us again: him, Claude, our sister Fawn, and me.  
Unbelievable, isn’t it? I mean, look at us now. Could you have guessed we were kin?  
Great Ancestors, how I always envied you. You and your brothers, the very way you talk to each other, smile to each other smelled of compassion. You even fought like a loving family.  
While mine was quite different. Claude neglected as, he stuck to the older boys, like Swift or Thorn. He always enjoyed feeling mighty and important, only before he despised the weak and miserable and now he started to pick up all those poor women. Fawn… I didn’t realize it then but at the moment I can say it out loud: she was just a little slut. Selfish, capricious, and eager for the others’ attention. I suppose she’s changed, I don’t know it for sure though. You see, we barely nod each other when we meet.  
I never knew the name of my father.  
You see, even after what I’ve learnt, what we’ve learnt, I still think you’re lucky. For you it was nice, though it was lies.  
Look, we could make a song of it. Nice - lies, heh.  
I’m sorry. I can guess it hurts.  
Anyway, I wasn’t aware of another kind of life and so I didn’t suffer. I grew up in a world where my individuality didn’t matter, for I was neither smart nor pretty. Nobody noticed me unless I was standing right in front of them. No wonder, though. Just keep in mind what time it was.  
But now I don’t recall the politics clearly, you can’t expect much awareness from a child. It all just roams in my head like disembodied words.  
The Elder Lord.  
The Noble Gang.  
The battle for Windland.  
I do remember something, though. I remember the smell of sweat, blood, and gunpowder, I remember people. Brok was sitting motionless with his hands chained, he turned his blind head to the sound of footsteps. It scared me to death, but the other kids went to mock and tease him when he was guarded by someone like Draco. Once Ignis and Graham were fighting and rolling on the ground, I don’t know why. In those times Doom and Salamander were together, can you imagine it? And everywhere there was Talleyrand, giving orders, managing things.  
Talleyrand.  
I do remember Talleyrand. How could I possibly forget, the very image of the man still haunts the ones who knew him. Wherever I close my eyes I see him. They say your father, er, I mean Byron, looks very much like him, but that’s not it. Yes, Talleyrand was tall and broad-shouldered, with tanned skin and amber eyes. But he was… different. I cannot say what it is about, what was so special about him, but Byron, in fact, seems to be the only one of his kids who didn’t take it after. When you will be at the Gathering and there will happen something unpleasant for the Shedish or Rivermen, please watch Tesla and M. That’s it.  
I wish you knew Hank, he had it too.  
I also can’t imagine Talleyrand being idle the way Byron is when he already did all necessary things and doesn’t feel like doing the unnecessary ones. He was always so full of energy, his muscles were tense. When he was here something was always cleaned, painted, and repaired in the village. I’d hate to say that, but when he was banished and Ignis took his place things were in a mess for no less than a couple of years.  
No, I’m not trying to say Lord Ignis is bad. He just never paid so much attention to order, he cared about other things, he had- he has friends, some personal life. He didn’t have enough time to gain perfection.  
Whenever I think of Talleyrand I picture him promptly marching forwards with Draco pacing past him like a dog in love. He was always so focused and busy.  
He scared me.  
I feared and hated him even when the others stayed oblivious to some signs of his true nature. I hated him even before he killed my mother. I still fear him when he’s dead.  
I wish I hadn’t tried to do such terrible things to you and Ignis, otherwise I would have chance to escape Hell where Talleyrand remains now.  
But I love her. I couldn’t help it.  
As the years passed and I grew up I began to understand more and more. I memorized clearly Talleyrand’s exile and how everything suddenly turned complicated. I caught a glimpse of Brok’s dead body before they buried it. We all knew that Y poisoned him, we just weren’t supposed to discuss it. Deep down I was even grateful, the blind prisoner gave me the creeps. Graham left the village and I was adult enough to guess why. Soon it was time to make me an apprentice.  
The rumors were spread that Lady Belinda was ‘temporary unwell’, and so Ignis and C had had a talk and decided to give an apprentice to Draco.  
I feared it would be me.  
But it was my sister.  
I still don’t understand why they did it. I mean, everybody saw he was not a good one, didn’t they? That man was loyal to Talleyrand.  
Anyway, I became an apprentice of Doom, and as for Claude, Ignis saved him for himself. An uncle is an uncle.  
Byron and Tesla were born, and everybody was well aware of who their father was.  
Such an irony, it is. I never knew my father and suffered, Byron knew his and suffered nevertheless.   
Since then things never went back to normal. Soon we discovered that Lady Belinda’s problem isn’t temporary. Either because of Talleyrand’s betrayal or during the fire that burnt down almost all of the village she went mad. That made Ignis a Lord de facto, though some disliked it.  
But they had to deal with it, as Talleyrand became the Lord of the Shadows.  
The Shedish were completely happy.  
Windians and Rivermen were confused.  
We were scared.  
You must have heard those stories, there’s no need for me to repeat them again. I can just add that for me it all was a kind of a surreal. I felt like it wasn’t happening to me, but to someone else instead.  
Even during the fire.  
Even when something terrible started to hunt us down in the forest.  
Even when my brother’s girlfriend lost half her face from the goddamn thing.  
Maybe it was because of my lack of friends, maybe I didn’t have very good imagination, but I remember thinking ‘that is not real, it can’t happen to me.’  
So it was until the very day my mother was murdered.


	3. When a bad man dies

She was the only one who ever cared for me.  
Can you even imagine it, Helene? Of all beings all over the Earth you have a single one who loves you, knows you, and that one simply dies.  
No, not simply.  
My mother was murdered.  
Murdered by Talleyrand, to be exact.  
The very time had stopped, everything froze, my mind kept swirling and returning to the day she was found dead. It felt as if some wall that separated me from the world was broken and all the pain, sorrow, and realization consumed my soul. Things were happening, people were telling me things, but I remained shaken.  
‘Lady Belinda died’  
Long live Lord Ignis.  
‘Lady Belinda had kids with some Riverman’  
That’s not important.  
‘The Shedish and Rivermen united against us’  
Don’t they do it all the time?  
Idiots, they didn’t see it, they didn’t understand. I couldn’t listen, I couldn’t understand, for my mother had died.  
My mother had died.  
All the things I told her about myself, all the conversations we shared, everything was gone. I was sure she went to Heavens, but it didn’t help. Since she died everything she alone knew about me ceased to exist.  
I ceased to exist.  
Can you guess how it feels, Helene?  
The others kept on living, though. Claude cursed Talleyrand with the worst words he knew and swore he would be the one to put an end to him and his numerous crimes. Yet he still had his wounded girlfriend and spent most of the time with her. Fawn was sobbing continually at first but there was Doom to distract her.  
I completely forgot to tell you, but my mentor had a crush on my sister since she was 11. This matter is buried deep now, as she grew up and became his wife and a mother of his many kids. But I still remember how it used to be when the situation was more awkward. I was 14 when I began to realize that something weird is going on and I’d better keep off my mentor for a while. Yet the thought that I could wander off and he wouldn’t come looking wasn’t pleasant either.  
Anyway, he was my mentor and he had to train me. When I failed to do some tasks he told me ‘what we get is what we need’ and soon I started to use the sentence in my own speech.  
I didn’t like Doom, and he didn’t care. He neglected me, leaving me doubtful whether it was for good or not. When I saw the looks he gave my sister I wanted to get away as far as I could, but once I did it I felt lonely.  
I needed someone to be with me, to teach me things, to tell me everything was OK.  
I had a mother, but she died.  
Yet I wakened from such condition when I realized that my help was really needed. Meanwhile Victor was made a deputy, and I was glad for him because I had always suspected him of being my father. He managed people well, Lord Ignis did the right thing.  
Everything was changing, we lived in preparation for war.  
Bad things happened.  
Draco turned out to be a spy, I still can’t understand how it could be a surprise. He left the village, Tesla followed him soon. Brian, a mentor of the latter and a supervisor of the former, was in a state close to hysteria.  
Talleyrand decided to get rid of the half-breeds, and River deputy Stein was murdered.   
Yeah, bad things happened.  
But soon came the day of the announced battle. All the weapons were checked, the last preparations were made, Claude repeated his promises concerning Talleyrand. We met our enemies at the Fourtrees. We were ready to kill and to die for our land and pride.  
But Talleyrand surprised us.  
He brought rogues alongside with men in his command.  
Oh, you do know that story. It was told to kids so many times, told by the ones who were there and the ones who weren’t. But the kid stories are always so… plain. The reality is a lot more complicated.  
No matter what you were told, there wasn’t some special aura of terror around those rogues. The Shedish by their side weren’t shaking with fear, as it is often said, though Rivermen looked bent out of shape a bit. I remember myself saying that the outlaws would be easy to beat.  
Then a man stepped forward.  
Neither was he a terrifying mighty demon he’s described as. In fact, he was lean and small, no taller than me, and I was only 15. Wind brushed his long black hair and he tossed it away in the most natural manner. Actually he looked rather fragile and weak, and we thought he must have been a healer of some kind.  
But then he said his name was Scourge and he was the leader of BloodClan.  
It is true that his voice was high and chilling. He looked at us with indifferent curiosity and his ice-blue eyes were colder than a thousand of winters. That was when we noticed the necklace he wore. A necklace made of human teeth.  
However Ignis hid his feelings and greeted the man politely. I think it was his greatest diplomatic success, talking to Scourge, convincing him.  
You know the rest of the story.  
Scourge refused to fight on that day.  
Talleyrand made an attempt to kill him for his disobedience.  
When he raised his axe to crush the rogue Lord’s skull we thought it all was over. But Scourge dodged the attack surprisingly easy. He moved away with feline grace and withdrew his sword which was small and thin like the man himself.  
And with that sword he cut Talleyrand open.  
We gasped when it happened, we stared in disbelief at the powerful Lord’s death struggle. Soon the body froze still.  
Scourge wistfully ran his fingers up the blade to touch the blood; Claude called him a lucky bastard.  
We waited.  
It was so hard to imagine, Talleyrand being beaten by some mere rogue, a man with no proper breed or faith in his heart. We waited for him to wake up and finish Scourge.  
And he woke up, and his agony was worse tenfold this time, for all the gods failed to heal his wound.  
He couldn’t regenerate like Lords and Ladies do when they are killed and was forced to die nine times instead.  
Horror consumed the Shedish as they saw their Lord’s fall, and they left with much bewilderment followed close by Rivermen. I’ve heard Tyrell demanding order among his own warriors, for Windians never were the bravest. Only we, Thunderlings, stood still. Yet fear touched the hearts of my fellow villagers too. Someone was sobbing quietly, someone repeated continuously ‘No, no, it can’t be’, Byron watched his father’s pain breathlessly.  
I counted.  
When the score reached nine I experienced a great relief, as if I got rid of a heavy burden that tormented my soul since my mother’s death.  
A bad man died, a right thing was done.  
I felt like thanking Scourge for what he did, for avenging Britta in a way I couldn’t even had dreamt of, though it all had another meaning for him, for a cold-blooded thing he looked like. I felt like laughing aloud at the sight my worst enemy finally dead and harmless. I felt like singing, but the others remained silent.  
I realized that they were scared.  
Scourge looked at us with cold thrift and claimed our lands as his.  
We were given a few days to make up our minds and went home totally disoriented.  
And so other preparations began: negotiating with the Shedish and Rivermen, final arrangements, planning of a battle against totally unfamiliar enemy. We weren’t going to give up, truly religious people never give up. I can’t say anything bad of the atheists too, though. Claude is one of the most courageous men I’ve ever known. It was time for me to be of some help at last, and I worked hard by my comrades’ side.  
But I didn’t felt what they felt.  
I wanted BloodClan out of my land as much as they did, but I simply couldn’t hate Scourge.  
Do you think I didn’t understand who he was?  
I did.  
He was a merciless killer with a heart frozen forever, but at least he had a heart that could freeze. Only the ones who have no hearts at all are truly wicked, beware of them, Helene.  
No, I felt he was different.  
I wanted to see him again, wanted to decide whether I had been right about him or not. So I made one of the most stupid actions of my entire life and tracked the trails to the BloodClan camp. At night, of course. When I made my way through the forest, pushing aside occasional branches, sometimes in the Moon’s pale light, sometimes in utter darkness, I felt a thrill close to fear, yet not fear nevertheless. Talleyrand’s death took all my fears away. I saw the evil punished and didn’t expect to find bigger evil where I was heading to.  
However, when I reached the place I found myself uncertain about what to do. I saw the camp fires through bushes and boughs I was hiding behind, I saw some men and women walking between those fires and listened to their talks and laughter. They were looking forwards to a battle, and their cruel jokes and memories of past combats made me hate them even more. Scourge wasn’t among them, and I came there looking for him only. I started moving around the camp and to my greatest surprise found it almost unguarded. We could have attacked the enemies any time if we had been ready.  
But it wasn’t what I came for.  
I kept wandering about and looking in growing frustration when I heard the camp noises lowering as if all the people waited for something. Then I heard a sound of guitar.  
My heart jumped and I crawled dangerously close to the spot the music was coming from.  
I turned out to be right, it was Scourge.  
I saw him clearly, as he was sitting atop something wooden and large, like a barrel. He slowly touched the strings, his face held the same icy wistfulness as before. At that moment he began to sing with his impeccable high voice: ‘Politician idiots, cruel warriors, backstreet suckers…’  
Yes, it wasn’t a nice song.  
Yet it stirred something inside of my soul.  
A few moments later I’ve heard a pattern that made me gasp: ‘What you need is what you get, what you get is what you need’. I recognized the second part immediately, but the first one turned everything upside down. I wondered what it could possibly mean, perhaps that you should not just be satisfied with your destiny, but truly enjoy every moment of your life? No, I felt something’s wrong.  
It took me very long to find the proper meaning, about half a life.  
There, in the bushes, I simply listened. I watched Scourge, watched his face gaining some emotion while his voice turned mocking and bitter. I watched my hopes proving.  
I saw a man who had suffered. I knew it for sure, I felt that’s it, the thing that made him different from his subordinates. I think he understood how it is to be humiliated, neglected, abandoned as a child.  
Something you’ll never understand, Helene.  
Pain, no matter physical or mental, changes people. Some are weak and they are to be broken. They go insane, like Draco did. Or deny their must and hide forever, like Raven did.  
I despise those people. I despise myself for being one of them, for, I guess, I went insane.  
But some aren’t weak. They take their pain and go farther in the image of gods. It is said that diamonds are born in great force, where less divine stones would be crushed.  
This is what I saw when I watched Scourge playing the guitar. A diamond.  
Am I not a monster?  
No, I’m not. I just wanted a man who avenged my mother to be my brother instead of the one who failed. If only I could talk to Scourge…  
The song was over, but I remained where I was for a time being. But then I suddenly realized I was being watched as well. A blonde girl in her early twenties stared at me angrily with her arms folded. I twitched thus making my presence even more obvious, but she did nothing, and I retreated at last.  
Nobody home noticed my absence.  
In time we were at the Fourtrees again.  
We formed a union yet unseen: Thunderlings, Windians, the Shedish, and Rivermen fighting alongside. It was right, this war wasn’t some awkward village versus village thing, we fought rogues, our common enemy.  
Lord Ignis and Scourge exchanged final warnings and so the combat began.  
When Ignis screamed ‘Lions, attack!’ I didn’t even bother to think why on earth he had called us lions. It sent shivers down my spine. Never ever I felt so alive as when I rushed into the battle. There were my friends, there was my Lord, and nothing else mattered. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? The ecstasy of fight, of being on the right side… It brings people like us unforgettable memories.  
You think you’re nothing like me?  
What a bizarre notion.  
Here you are, my future murderer, a committed woman capable of terrible things.  
Anyway. It was the first time I acted like a warrior, a true Thunderling. I couldn’t compete with more experienced ones, though. Fawn and I joined our efforts with Hook II, late Stein’s former apprentice, and we wandered the battlefield causing minor damage.  
Until we occasionally ran into Tesla.  
The Shedish girl was covered in somebody else’s blood, she looked at us with insane yellow eyes and roared an order.  
And so she led as, and she showed us how lions fight.  
She didn’t change since then, not even a little bit. I wonder why she’s not a Lady yet.  
You think you know all about this battle, but you weren’t there.  
I was.  
I was there when Draco attacked Ignis, I was there when Graham killed Draco.   
I was there when Bone killed Victor.  
What I felt when I saw him lying on the ground cannot be described. I thought he was my father, but I couldn’t ask him about it anymore. I lost some important link, lost it completely. But I didn’t freeze like when my mother was killed. This time my blood burned. I rushed forwards, oblivious of everything but the goddamn murderer. At that moment I met Byron, and we attacked Bone side by side. Soon the others joined us.  
We surrounded Bone, he was helpless. And we punched him and kicked him till he fell, and then kicked him again and stabbed him with our knives. I smelled blood, I was drunk with it. When Bone couldn’t move any longer I sat on his chest and look in his eyes, full of fear and pain. He feared me.  
And I cut his throat.  
When his last shiver, last struggle was over I felt the overwhelming joy again.  
A bad man died, a right thing was done.  
I threw my head back and let out a long howl.  
That was it, our great victory, my great revenge. I grinned widely and Fawn responded me with a weak smile.  
At that moment some wretch tried to attack us, but Tesla scared him off by yelling at him. No, I’m not kidding. He literally jumped back after being shouted at, and seeing all this I couldn’t help laughing.  
Then I raised my eyes and met icy gaze of Scourge. He looked at me from some distance, across the battlefield, and there was no hatred or anger in his face, just cold surprise. And I laughed again, laughed into that face, laughed not at him but before him, for I was a boy no longer.  
Then he nodded. And started make his way towards us. Towards me.  
I stood upright, waiting for my last fight, I knew he would kill me, but for some reason I wasn’t even slightly scared.  
But something went wrong. The sight of approaching Scourge was blocked by a tall woman with long light hair. She burned with savage fury, a mark of white paint on her face, like a mask around her blazing green eyes, and a large teeth necklace also added to the impression. And she was a real fighter.  
She knocked us all out, I’m afraid, even Tesla. And the last thing I remember was her screaming ‘I won’t let you kill us!’  
When I woke up everything was over. We, the lions, won.  
Lord Ignis killed Scourge and BloodClan ran.  
Everybody was celebrating.  
Since then sometimes when I’m disappointed with my life I think what I would have been like if Scourge had killed me.  
Would I be happier if I died young?  
Well, we’ll never find out.  
Anyway, back then I felt like something was taken away from me. No, not my early death. Just Scourge himself. I missed a man who was… different, who could give me something. I didn’t even ask him what ‘What you need is what you get’ means.  
And since then I was looking for someone in pain, someone who can understand me.  
And I found you.


	4. The Great Journey

I’m coming close to the most important part of my life.  
Your mother’s birth.  
Sorry, not your mother’s, just Stella’s.  
We all knew Salamander was dating Lord Ignis, so when she turned out to be pregnant nobody was surprised. When she gave birth to Stella and Lillian, people came to look whether the girls remind of their parents. Later Ignis told Claude that Lillian was a spitting image of his - I mean Claude’s - real mother. What for Stella, she had Ignis’s copper-red hair and green eyes, but the very shape of those eyes and her body build pictured young Salamander. Nevertheless she didn’t seem alike her parents, her beauty was unique and it made her the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.  
Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t think of her like this until she was grown-up. I’m not Doom, you know.  
As a kid she combined her father’s stubbornness and her mother’s temper. I have to confess, she was a total catastrophe, an arrogant nuisance yet unseen.  
See, you smile. And so do I.  
No matter how much she hurt us, how mercilessly she played with our feelings, we still love her.  
We hate her, but we love her.  
It is a very cruel thing, but nothing can be changed. Your brother J would call it ‘A Hex of a Charismatic Person’.  
Oh, I found a proper word to describe what unites Talleyrand, Hank, and M leaving Byron out.  
A hex.  
Meanwhile some rogue called Sasha brought her two kids, Hank and Malta, to Rivermen. They were accepted and nobody was concerned about it for a while. Until Malta was chosen to be the healer’s apprentice and came to the Gathering as M. Yeah, M wasn’t always respected. In fact, nobody was glad to see her. But the previous healer, called M as well, said that he received a prophecy about the girl, and everybody calmed down a bit. If only they knew…  
I’ll tell you all of it in time.  
Anyway, by the time it happened, Stella and Lillian grew up enough to be apprentices. Stella was given to Doom, and Lillian turned into L, old C’s apprentice. The sisters were always so close, sometimes I envied them, especially with Fawn and Claude both becoming parents and forgetting me completely.   
However, those times are remembered not because of somebody’s birth or new appointment. They are remembered because of the Great Journey. And the first sign of the oncoming changes was also connected to Stella.  
You’ve obviously heard the story of the Travelers Who Asked Midnight. You must know it extremely well, for your parents… the people you considered you parents, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, they were the Travelers themselves. I cannot add much to that story, only my personal feelings.   
When Stella and Byron disappeared so suddenly we were very worried. Whole village looked grim and dim. Without Stella life seemed to freeze, I had to get used to order and predictability of things again. You know, she was always so audible, so noticeable that her absence couldn’t pass unnoticed. Nobody climbed trees, nobody sneaked into the forest after hunting patrols, nobody got in trouble. Something was wrong, I could feel it when I woke up.  
Then we’d learned that other people went missing as well. Tesla Shedish, Hook II and Felly Rivermen, Corwin Windian. Different guesses were made. Some believed that the half-breeds left villages for better life, but I don’t remember Stella being mocked because of her father’s origins. To say nothing of the fact that Corwin is a real purebred warrior, a descendant of Lady Wind herself.  
Then other bad things started to happen.  
We’d already known that Windians had some problems with food and water, but what we could not expect was the disaster spreading. Earth quaked underfoot, prey turned poison, unknown diseases appeared. That was when my two nieces died. I remember Doom and Fawn at their grave, his dull and empty eyes and her ragged sobbing. That was when I began to think that wherever Stella and Byron were gone, it was better for them to stay there.   
But our Travelers returned.  
How glad I was once I saw Stella again! She looked so good, unalike the others, she provoked memories of old life, of life when the place we lived in was home for us. Though she seemed to grow up into a warrior instead of little ginger girl I remembered. Byron changed as well, he became taller and stronger than me, and so he remained.   
And they brought us tales of better lands, of places where flowers grow and sun shines bright and the water is cool and clear. Look closer at the brook we’re sitting by. This is what they promised us.  
And we listened.  
It would be hard for you to understand what it was like to live in the Thunder village before the Great Journey, before we united with our past enemies to leave for this place. Since we were enemies indeed.  
United by faith, separated by beliefs.  
After the journey everything changed. Now we live in peace, well, in comparison to constant wars of the past.  
So, try to imagine what we were like before, when the Travelers came back, if it took us long to work out how to cooperate with each other in circumstances different from fighting off the faithless. Yet we did it. We managed to combine forces and thus survived.   
But you are untouched by these matters, you are a warrior of the new age. So maybe time came for me and the others like me to die. Maybe my death will have some global meaning.  
Weird things come to one’s mind in last moments of life.  
Weird things, indeed.  
It is said that the last words of Felly Riverman were some kind of a joke, funny words returned to Corwin.  
Anyway. We followed our Travelers through unknown lands, escaping dangers and disasters. Many things happened to us in that journey, many things we’ve learnt. I mean not only some facts about nature and so on, but each other’s secrets. In that journey we’ve learned who the father of Hank and M was. We were shocked, none of us had expected to hear of Talleyrand again. But the young people were already well-known, they behaved with much decency and honor and looked reliable.  
It’s time for you to know something about Hank.  
Byron doesn’t like to remember him, does he?  
Right.  
I bet it was quite a surprise for you to hear that your father had a brother Riverman. I bet you were told about him not by Byron and Stella. Have you ever wondered why?  
And the answer is simple.  
Byron murdered his brother.  
Helene, stop and listen. First, if I wanted to blacken Byron I would have chosen a better, more convincing lie. Second, I’m gonna die, there’s no point in such tricks. And third, don’t you hate Byron for what he did to you?  
Clever girl.  
Hank was tall and broad-shouldered, like Talleyrand and Byron, but with his hair darker, his skin paler, and his eyes blazing blue. He was a good speaker and could act rather impressive, and sometimes his performance indeed reminded of Talleyrand. But deep down he was different. I understood him better that anyone did, even M, and I know what I’m talking about. He was not a bloodthirsty monster, but an ambitious romanticist. Once he told me that he grew up in the shadow of his father just like we grow up in the shadow of gods. He wanted to be worthy of this grim legacy. His understanding of Talleyrand was naïve and innocent, and I didn’t dare to break those illusions. He might be a trickster, though, once he told me that he had faked a prophecy from the Ancestors so M could become a healer. But he didn’t mean to violate any laws, he just wanted to help his sister. He wanted only good.  
And he loved Byron.  
Neither M nor Tesla showed such interest in their half-siblings. Hank and Byron looked as if they knew one another from the very birth, the bond between them was incredibly strong. I admired them. This is why I listened to Hank’s bizarre ideas with serious face. He was going to rule the Shedish and Rivermen as Byron would rule Thunderlings and Windians. But the reality disappointed him. Do you know that in a short meanwhile Misa was missing he was promoted to deputy?  
Just like Byron was in Graham case.  
But unlike Byron he was dismissed as soon as Misa returned. Just imagine how angry he was, with all those ambitions! No wonder he tried some plotting and helped Max’s rebellion. It was a very stupid thing to do, he had no reason to meddle in Windians’ life, especially in such a risky way. It is still surprising that he managed to get away with it later.  
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Hank was quite acceptable man.  
But some people disliked him strongly.  
Stella was one of them.  
Somewhere during the Journey she and Byron became close, and seeing her fiancé so interested in someone else probably made her jealous. I remember their blazing rows, constant bickering. And do you know what?  
I envied Hank.  
If Bright said to Claude “either me or him”, he would give me a kick and say “good riddance”. The same about Fawn. But Byron seemed to choose the brother.  
I remember one day, one special day since which my life was no longer the same. It was when we already had settled on a new place, and I returned from a lucky hunt and in the new camp ran into Stella.  
I remember it as if it was yesterday.  
She looked sad, sad and angry, there were trails of tears on her cheeks, but she was no longer crying. Quite to the contrary, she gave me a bittersweet smile.  
“I just did a thing I should have done a long time ago”, - she said. - “Congratulate me”.  
I talked to her and cheered her up as I could, and later that day I made her smile sincerely.  
My head reeled.


	5. Her quarrel with him

“You’re a good friend” - she said to me on that day.  
Nobody had ever told me such a thing before. I had mates, buddies, but not friends. I thought it was amazing. I even felt I didn’t deserve it. And I immediately wanted to do my best and to prove that I was worthy.  
I wanted to be with Stella when she was unhappy and alone, to support her and to give her something Byron failed to give. I wanted to see her smiling.  
This is how that day changed everything. In the morning she was just a mere girl that passes by, in the evening I was in love with her.  
And I wanted her to love me back.  
Though a thought of it made me feel guilty, as if I was stealing her from Byron.  
I felt guilty, I! I, the man who never lied to anyone!  
Such a fool, such a pathetic, wretched idiot.  
And I my folly I even dared to have some plans. I thought Stella saw me as a friend back there and if I would be the closest man to her, if I would help her to overcome her grief, she would notice me in another way, she would understand that I fit her better than Byron. I was ready to do everything she asked me of.  
But all she in fact needed was me being around when Byron could see it.   
Tell me, Helene, can you imagine how it is, the realisation that you were being used? There is some moment when you are no longer needed, and a person whom you loved most abandons you without a word. Then and only then you begin to see that everything between you two was a lie, nothing more than a cruel trick. All thoughts and feelings that once were a discovery for you had been predicted beforehand by a malevolent traitor and every second of happiness you treasured was just another step in her plan. In her campaign against someone else.  
Oh, you think you can?  
I know, she betrayed you as well. But you were never so lonely. You have Leon and J, you’re still friends with W…  
While Stella was, in fact, everything I had.  
I loved her.  
I still do.  
Back in those times we spent so much time together that I began to think we were dating. I was so happy. We talked, walked, exchanged gifts. Sometimes we both suddenly fell silent and I felt so comfortable, like we understood each other perfectly. Now I wonder what those moments really meant for her.  
She must have found it hilarious.  
She teased me, played with me. Oh gods, now much I hate those games, those nasty womanly tricks.  
Come off it, Helene! Yes, I do know that you never flirted and so on. But look around! Don’t you realize how weird you are? You, a warrior and a hunter, hard-working, honest, and decent person, are nothing more than an exception. Others are different. Just think, how many of ten-year-olds tried to prevent war? How many of young women live by the book? How many would forger their own benefit if the Warrior Code says so? There are some outstanding ones, of course. You, Tesla, Lady Leonora Riverman…  
Exceptions.  
I’m not trying to say the men are better. I have to admit, some are simply horrible. The worst people ever all were men. Talleyrand, his mentor Thistle, Draco, Brok…  
I’ve heard of a woman that stands by their side, though. I remember those tales, they were told by old Shorty, who died a long time before the Travelers. Nobody tells that story now, since everything had changed, and children always ask about Talleyrand and BloodClan.  
Do you want me to tell you the story? I doubt I will have another chance.  
OK.  
Once upon a time there lived a woman with copper-red hair, and her name was Maple Thunderling. She was neither pretty nor powerful, but sweet and skilled. She had friends, but knew no fame, and her life was plain and simple like a shallow brook. And like a shallow brook breaks its banks when a storm begins, her life broke all the borders when she fell in love and learnt misery. The first border to be broken was the border between villages, for her heart chose Abel Riverman. She was bringing up his kids when her fellow villagers had learnt the truth from the healer. And they turned away from her and abandoned her, and the Lord’s daughter chased her away. It must be awful to leave your village like this, when people you trusted tell you to go and die. But Maple didn’t give up. A stormy evening she took a boat, set the children in, and left for Rivermen. The river carried its waters fast, the banks disappeared in the dark. Maple was not a sailor, and the boat turned upside down. Rivermen saved her, but her kids died. Not a soul needed her anymore, Abel called her ‘a mistake’. Rivermen made sure that she left their lands, and nobody cared where exactly she would go. Maple lost everything in a flicker. She could not survive alone, and she didn’t want to. There was no longer any sense in life. Neither in hers, nor in anybody else’s. And thus she began her revenge and broke the second border. The first one to die was the healer that discovered the truth, and she awaited him at the Moonstone and sent him untimely to Heavens. The second kill was the Lord’s daughter, Maple set for her a trap where a poisonous snake had bitten her. And the last one was Abel himself. Maple came to the River territory one more time and fought her former love in a fair fight. She was weak, so weak after many days of bad food and sleeping under the skies, but she killed him, and she did it fight before his new girlfriend, who was expecting his babies. And then Maple cursed her. She said she’d be watching her and her offspring from beyond the Door of Doom, and none of them would be happy till her ghost remained there. And then she was off to die. It is said that after all those centuries she still walks in the Realms of Hell and visits our nightmares.  
The last part of the story always thrilled me, I mean, the curse. No one believes in such things nowadays, but it had some sense in Maple’s times. Once I asked who Abel’s descendants were at the moment, and do you know what answer did I get?  
Lord Hook Riverman, Leonora’s forerunner, and his daughter Argentina.  
I suppose you remember their story well. The only one of that family who isn’t dead, crippled, or left behind is Misa.  
Now you see why I believe in Maple’s curse.  
That story shocked me. And the more I live, the more I understand.  
She loved Abel, she truly did.  
If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have cursed his children.  
I know what she felt, for I was betrayed by the one I love as well. And when I die… when you kill me and I go to Hell I will shake her hand. She showed me the way.  
Yes, I know how it sounds.  
You do not understand me, you are a person who never loved. You do not understand how it is when your life and yourself belong to someone, love is like blood in your veins, and rejection is a deadly wound.  
Because like you belong to the Warrior Code I belong to Stella.  
And what for her… she does not belong. But she wants to own Byron.


	6. A pain in the chest

Imagine a day.  
I, merry and calm, was intending to go hunting.  
Usually I hunted with Stella, so I came up to her and asked when she’d be ready.  
But that day everything was different. She gave me an odd look, as if I said something stupid, and said: “Not today”.  
And I watched her walking away with Byron.  
She made up with him and stopped teasing him, so I was no longer needed. The understanding didn’t come fast and was very painful. I couldn’t believe that for all those days I was being used. I thought that maybe I had hurt her somehow, and in time everything will be back to normal. I tried to talk to her several times, she did not react. I was desperate. I wanted to speak with someone about it, but I had nobody.  
I hadn’t noticed it before, but I really had no friends.  
You don’t realize how lucky you are. If something troubles you, you can always talk to your brothers or Brian or W.  
If I started complaining, people would stare.  
Heart-to-heart conversations were not in my nature, at least not since my mother died. I just couldn’t break the habit, no matter how much I wanted to. Words and feelings reeled in my head, bringing me pain, driving me mad. But nobody cared, nobody asked: “Why are you so sad today, Ash?”  
So I watched.  
And thought.  
And suffered.  
Sooner or later I guessed the meaning of Stella’s sudden coldness.  
It felt like dying. The paramount part of my life, what I considered my first love, turned into shame and humiliation. I hadn’t known before one could be in such pain.  
Even when my mother died.  
And then I cursed my earlier confidence, my illusion of freedom. In those days I remembered what I am. I am not a warrior, not an apprentice, not a friend. I am a murderer, the man who killed Bone, for it was the most significant deed of my life.  
I am not able to bring love and peace, I can only bring death and suffering.  
But those thoughts didn’t help me to deal with any of my problems. I needed to do something, anything at all, otherwise my heart risked to explode.  
And then Hank found me.  
He had one of his plans.  
And his plan was simple.  
To kill Lord Ignis.  
No, just don’t. Don’t start with ‘how could you’. It had nothing, I mean nothing, to do with Talleyrand, ‘pure blood’, or any other… history.  
It was just me and Stella and the pain she brought me.  
The pain I wanted to return.  
That’s why I accepted Hank’s proposal.  
I was a murderer, after all.  
Though there was something else, the thing he said to me: “One should fight to get what he needs”.  
What you need is what you get.  
I immediately felt the difference.  
You don’t wait patiently, you fight and get it.  
Since then I understand it this way, and such explanation was the last gift from Hank.  
I will never forget him and his crazy ideas.   
Hank called his plan with different smart words, but the meaning was rather plain: he wanted Byron, who was promoted to deputy meanwhile, to become a Lord.  
Just check it out, what an irony.  
To please his brother he intended to kill the father of the brother’s girlfriend, and I in turn to avenge my misery took part in a plan a man who stole my love would benefit from.  
In those days I almost hated Byron, it took me a while to understand the real order of things, and I supposed that if not him, Stella would have let me stay. I was wrong, I know it for sure now, Byron is just another poor fool.  
And so the idea came to my mind, the idea of how to cast out a half of Stella’s family in a moment.  
Anyway, Hank and I talked over the details, made last arrangements, and soon the whole thing was on. Hank had the trap, and mine was to bring Ignis there.  
I did my part and returned to the camp. Yet I didn’t come in immediately, but wandered around for a while instead.  
I counted minutes, tried to guess what exactly was going on at the lake during each moment, tried to guess when it all would be over.  
When I counted enough, I ran into the gates, horror on my face. The first ones I saw were Stella and L. “What a good luck!” - I thought. And I yelled about a trap Ignis got himself into, pointing out that Hank and Byron were there as well.  
When they rushed to the lakeside I trotted past them slowly. I wanted to see it. What can be more painful for a woman, than to learn that her boyfriend killed her father?  
Only to watch her children burn, or to see the corpse of her sister.  
Relax. I’m not killing anyone right now.  
Anyway, I wanted to see what was about to come next. I moved through the forest slowly, trembling with anticipation.  
And I caught a sight of their return, and it shocked me.  
I saw Byron and Stella holding Ignis from both sides and guiding him home, he was badly injured but alive. Neither they nor L looked particularly happy, but it wasn’t what I expected.  
Not at all.  
What happened there?  
What happened to Hank?  
I hid myself in the bushes and waited till they gone.  
And then I went to the lakeside.  
Oh, you know the rest of it. You can guess what happened. Byron did it, he did it to his brother, the man, who loved him more than any girl ever could.  
When I saw Hank lying there like a broken toy, my heart sank. He didn’t deserve such death, his only crime was to love too much. But Byron killed him, pinned him with a pointy stick, and there he lied.  
In his death he looked much smaller, his face was paler than usual, and his icy blue eyes stared into the nowhere.  
He reminded me of Scourge.  
And I fell to my knees and embraced his dead body and wept, mourning the loss of the closest man to a friend I ever had.  
I cried until my chest began to ache as if another stick pierced it as well.  
Then I sat up and crawled to the water, and I saw red trails of tears on my cheeks.  
Far away, behind the territory of the River, the Sun was setting.


	7. Sacred fire

No one blamed me for what happened, though.  
They believed Ignis and I occasionally walked into Hank, and I had fled in fear.  
Grief and tears served me well, as they mistook it for signs of shame.  
And they left me to my lonely thoughts, to pain in my chest.  
Since then it hasn’t gone.  
It was growing worse and worse as years passed, and each time L ran one of her examinations I expected her to tell me something about it. But she turned blind eye to the sins of her kin, she didn’t care for me, nobody did. They just live their lives, while I’m stuck in the past.  
Later that year you three were born. I wonder how it happened that nobody noticed something was wrong. But they decided it was so typical of Stella to wander off just before the whole event and give birth in some distant cavern as a result. And I didn’t even think about it.  
Because the only image that was in my head during Stella’s pregnancy was Byron shoving his thing into her. It drove me mad.  
Now we know that the pregnancy was fake, but it still hurts. Why, tell me, why did she grant him such bliss? He had everything already!  
This is not fair.  
I watched you growing up. I saw Byron and Stella in everything you did, to my mind you were a proof of their happiness. You three were perfect children. Smart J, strong Leon, beautiful you… I wished you were mine.  
I hated you for being not.  
Helene, how did it happen that you have her eyes? They are emerald green, deep and piercing, one can get lost in such eyes… If you’re not her daughter, how?  
And Leon, in battle every his movement reminds of Byron. Did you see it? And I swear, I didn’t teach him those techniques.  
I must have imagined it all.  
But it still hurts, do you understand?  
No, you do not understand. You have been living for nineteen years. I have been living in darkness for nineteen years.  
How dare you to judge me?  
Leave your friends, lock yourself in the dark for decades, and then you’ll know how it feels. Memories will haunt you, dreams will bring you pain, ghosts of the past will mock you.  
And somewhere out there, in someplace brighter, there will be people responsible for what happened to you.  
Time will pass, and you will hear their hearts pounding when you are miles away. You will smell their breath in the air, you will see their smiles in springs and clouds. Soon blood will boil in your veins.  
And then come to me and tell me what you think about it.  
Oh. I totally forgot. You are going to kill me, aren’t you?  
Anyway. After years of hatred I finally understood that Byron was innocent. I told you already, it was not his fault that he fell in love with a wrong woman. He is not a bad man, he even mourned Hank, in his way. If Tesla had stayed with us, she would have helped him.  
But she left her brother, and he was powerless against wicked charms.  
I can only pity him.  
One day Stella will find herself a new toy, some younger boy with naïve and unspoiled mind. One day Byron’s heart will be broken, just like mine.  
And she won’t even notice, because she does not love him.  
She does not love anybody.  
I thought she loved you, it was the only reason why I tried to burn you alive. I’m sorry.  
There was no other way, when I have seen that fire, when I have seen you it looked like a gift from gods. It was my chance to make her pay.   
I wanted to teach her pain, to make sure she would not hurt me again. I wanted to set her soul on fire, so she would know suffering and agony of the very Hell. I wanted to see her crying once more, I wanted her perfect face to break.  
I failed miserably, as usual.  
I wasted my only chance.  
But everything I wanted was to feel free!  
I wanted my sacred fire to clean my spirit off her poison, was it too much?  
Great Ancestors, why do I never get what I want?  
Why do I never need what I get?  
It is not fair when someone is bound to suffer.  
I can stand it no longer, I have to do something, Stella must pay.  
Do you know what? There is still someone who she seems attached to.  
Her sister, L. They spend long hours talking and walking together.  
What do you think about it?


	8. Epilogue

Now you know everything.  
I wonder whether they discussed it with you, but you aren’t the first who came to talk to me. Stella was the first. She came to beg me not to reveal her lies, “Too late” - I told her. Then it was Leon, he’s an idiot. Then J.  
He visited my dreams, did you know he could do such things?  
Wow.  
I guess I missed a lot.  
What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t talk to any of them. You are the only one, you’re special.  
Do you want to know why?  
You did not come to persuade me, you came to kill me. We are so very much alike.  
I really wish you were my daughter.  
It is so interesting, what you are going to do with your life.  
Will my death break you?  
I hope it will.  
Go on, then, do it now.  
You have to do it, kid, if you want to keep your precious auntie alive.  
Sorry, not your auntie, just L.  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…  
…  
Did… you… kh… need?..


End file.
